Girl – so I’m having brunch with my ex’s best friend this weekend..
Me – oh snap! Good way to get back at your ex.
Her – It’s not like that, we’re just going out as friends.
Me – Are you friends?
Her – uhh yeah.
Me – Do you speak on a regular basis?
Her – …
Me – Do you text, facebook or hang out at all?
Her – almost never.
Me – He’s got a boner for you.
Her – But it’s not like that, he’s a good guy and he wants to be my friend and help me out, help me make friends etc.
Me – When a man in his 30s needs a friend, he finds other men, not a 21 year old girl. Unless you’re part of his adopt-a-sister program, because he has nothing else to do other than help a hot 21 year old make friends out of the goodness of his heart. This is not what good looking, rich, straight men do with their spare time.
Her – Fuck… But my ex used to say that he’s a good guy and he helps other people..
Me – I do not doubt his general good nature, but that has nothing to do with his sexual choices. MLK cheated on his wife, but that has nothing to do with his motivations behind the civil rights movement.
Her – Maybe you’re right. But maybe he wants me to introduce him to my girlfriends. I was hoping he would do the same for me, so maybe this is what he wants as well!
Me – You’re describing a girl, not a man. Look, good guys have their own 3 step program to getting laid. First ‘hang out’, neutral venue – brunch. You hang out early in the day, implying you have other things to tend to afterward, no romantic undercurrent. Second ‘hang out’ , go to the movies, maybe evening-ish. It’s more personal, you have a good time. 3rd date – dinner or drinks, and then he makes his move. Of course, this was the plan all along, but he’ll pretend that he just developed these ‘feelings’ over the past 2 weeks.
Her – Noooooo!
Me – Go out with him then. I’ve seen this movie before – in 2 weekends you’ll be sleeping together. You’ll justify it by saying that he resisted the urge at first and it was you who insisted on getting together. However he had been seducing you all along and engineered this moment. He basically plays the male equivalent of the slut defense for about 4 minutes, then ‘can’t resist you anymore’. Roll credits.
Her – I have to cancel this brunch.
Me – Douche move if he didn’t tell his buddy first.