First Dates

This is awfully presumptuous of me, I know.

Pictured: Girl Repellent

Maybe it’s not my place to tell you what to do on a first date. As a successful, well-travelled, fit (shutup) and funny guy with an adopted dog, who lives in a penthouse in Toronto whilst pursuing a career in stand up comedy, I don’t do well with the opposite sex. After all, most women want a Nice Guy.

Since I also speak multiple languages, I’m never sure if the sarcasm is getting through. So do with this as you will.


First dates are Fucking Awkward #obviousfact



The easiest remedy for awkward first date conversation is to constantly be on the move. What that means is you shouldn’t limit your date to a single McDonalds or Tim Horton’s. This happens way too often. Just. Don’t.

Split the evening into 3 separate events: drinks, dinner, dessert. The changing environment constantly gives you new things to talk about, instead of the same tired first date job interview at Tim Horton’s. Who cares how many siblings she has, you’re not dating them (unless that’s your agenda, in which case check out my other blog).

Don’t underestimate the advantage of a shifting scene and the endless supply of new decor, weird servers and other patrons to make fun of together. FACT: making fun of other strangers will turn two complete strangers into an Awesome Twosome in 30 minutes or less, it’s one of the laws of physics. Add vodka as necessary to accelerate the process. Before you know it, you two will be bonding faster than a stranded crew that just ate a member for survival.

Ideal Date – Drinks at a bar, followed by sushi and more drinks/dessert at a lounge. [What if she’s vegan, you ask? Just move on, it’s NOT worth the effort.] Start the night with a nice buzz, followed by the smooth ambience of classy sushi place and cap it off at a lounge with a view. If she hasn’t warmed up to you after 2-3 hours of this, take a cold hard look in the mirror, then punch the mirror in the face and pour salt on your wounds.

Recommended Accessories: You must also be knowledgeable about current events, regale her with stories of your adventures in foreign lands, possess a sharp wit, and own a classy wardrobe that accentuates a toned physique. If this sounds expensive, remember that there’s no romance without finance.

Follow these simple steps and soon you too will spend an entire calendar year getting laid on every first date.