FIRST RULE OF TALKING TO GIRLS

I cannot overstate how important this rule is without involving a laser carving it into your corneas. There will be no picture on this page, that’s how serious I am.

Here it is, the single biggest reason why your ratio is worse than the Leafs’ win-loss record.

When talking to a girl, it’s imperative to not approach her as a girl, but to see her as a PERSON. Revolutionary, I know. Let it sink in.  Think real hard for a minute. Read it again if you need to.

Fine I’ll spell it out.

Why are you so comfortable and funny around your buddies, the janitor, unattractive older women and dogs? Not because you’re not trying to fuck them, smartass. You get awkward around hotties you’re not trying to bang either. Remember when you ordered a “tall coffee with salt and pepper” because the barista had tits upto her forehead?

I lied. But you'll get over it.

The trick is to avoid the connotations we often associate with attractive women.  The ideas ingrained in us results in some pretty stupid behavior, seen daily on the TTC. Trying to look cool, freezing up, the thought she’s evaluating you, OMG EYE CONTACT, EVASIVE MANEUVERS ENGAGED!

You don’t have to make every word spoken to every girl something clever or suggestive. Just speak like you would with the Tamil pizza delivery guy. Visualize her as one if you have to. You’ll be making small talk about the latest Michael Bay disaster or that stupid thing Rob Ford did again in no time.

If you can get over a lifetime of conditioning and spontanous pit stains the minute anything over a 7.5 comes your way, and instead focus on the person behind the boobs (disclaimer – this is not encouragement to stare at boobs during conversation), you might discover that picking up “people” at the bar is far easier than picking up girls.

Buddha had to leave his palace to dwell in the forest for decades to understand this shit. You’re welcome.

The End.