Thanks For Getting Me Laid

Getting laid is a team sport, and I’d like to thank everyone involved in keeping my sex life active & fulfilling. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t get a third of the punani I do. 

Dear Creepy/Boring Date Guy(s),

Thanks for getting me laid. You really did me a solid by lowering her expectations to sub-zero levels. Thanks for taking her to Quiznos, splitting the tab and not brushing your teeth. Thanks for canceling at the last minute (again). Who reads books anyway. Ambition, Drive & Passion? I’ll take “3 Things I Don’t Have or Cannot Spell” for $500, Alex.

Truly, words cannot express how much I owe you. You’ve made it so easy to impress women that it’s downright unfair.  Gone are the days she expected romance & chivalry. As long as I shower, show up, and don’t whip it out till the appropriate time, I’m practically James Bond. Also, thanks for not knowing what the “appropriate time” is. Not even close.

Dear Insecure Ex-Boyfriend(s),

Thanks for getting me laid. Thanks for the crippling lack of self-worth you’ve induced into a plethora of incredibly talented women. It’s far easier to approach them when their debilitating insecurities distract them from the house they bought by running their own business.

Thank you for telling her she smells (even if it was just once), for comparing her to your whore of an ex (thanks for her too!) and generally making condescending remarks about her dreams. She’s so afraid she’s not good enough that the tiniest compliment sends her into fits of uncontrollable desire. If it wasn’t for you, the rest of us could never get with beautiful, financially-independent women without actually achieving something ourselves.

Dear Patriarchal Media,

You guys are the best. Seriously.


Dear Rape-y Male “Friend(s)”

Thanks for getting me laid. You have proven to her time and again that most men are not interested in what she has to say, even the ones who technically should. Did you know that “Hearing” is an automatic sense in 100% of able-bodied people who are not asleep? Kudos on being an Outlier.

Thanks to you, the most basic recollection of what she just said 5 minutes ago scores me major points with a capital M. By merely repeating and agreeing with her point of view, I’ve already demonstrated more empathy than her closest male “friends”. Did you ever try that, instead of creepily asking her to get drunk with you alone in your basement? Of course not, otherwise you would be me.

Dear Fake BFF(s),

Thanks for getting me laid. I don’t know what your agenda is but I’m especially impressed with the Orwellian nature of your relationship with her. A never-ending, soul-crushing rivalry encompassing every facet of your lives is exactly what defines Best Friends Forever.

She’s not the type to give it up on a first date, until I mention what a great dancer I think you are. AW HELL NO! She might not be a slut, but she’d rather bone me first than let you win. Thanks for making it so easy to press her buttons, by keeping her buttons painfully etched on the surface.

And lastly, thank you Jesus. There is nothing easier than a sexually-represssed 20-something hottie on a Sunday night. Amen brother, Amen.

Special shout out goes to Deadbeat Dads, Shitty Moms, Backstabbing Roommates and everyone else who ensures that our women remain emotionally downtrodden in perpetuity.

Yours Forever

Guys Who Win By Default

“Man I love your rape joke”

“I love your rape joke, why’d you stop telling it?”

“You pussy out or something?”

Let’s make one thing clear – I had exactly ONE joke utilizing the word “rape”, and the butt of the joke is a fanatical government that treats women as 2nd class citizens. I liked my joke. I’m even kinda proud of it. It’s not the best example of wordplay but 18 times out of 20, it gets applause. One time a comedy club waitress dropped her tray laughing (NBD). Hell, I ranted to all 4 people who read my blog about my RIGHT to make fun of everyone equally.

Then I retired it. Stopped telling it altogether. POOF! It’s gone.

Any comedian will tell you that I’m nuts for doing that. Most will tell you I’m a lowlife piece of shit, but that’s a story for another time. I’m too early into my comedy career to retire something that gets laughs. I was even accused of “pandering to chicks” (lolwut) and of course censorship.

Newsflash: I didn’t retire it because of any complaints (of which there were surprisingly few). I retired it because some people liked it a little too much

I got sick of the wrong kind of people taking the time to personally tell me JUST HOW MUCH they loved it. The gleam in their eyes, the subtle snarl in their smile, the glee with which they uttered their words. Maybe I’m giving myself too much credit, but as guys we know the difference between real men and abusive fucks, and I was getting way too much attention from the latter. No amount of denial could convince me I was getting fist-bumped by hammered frat guys because of their nuanced views on Iran.

To put it into context, you write 10 jokes till you find one that works. You go on stage in public and tell 9 shitty new jokes to complete silence, question your need to publicly embarrass yourself under the spotlight, till one drunk in the corner giggles at the first draft of your new gem. HALLELUJAH! You polish that gem for weeks, sometimes months, till you get a 15 second line that gets you 3 seconds of laughs. You build an hour-long show seconds at a time. To throw away a joke that gets laughs, well it hurts like a BITCH.

So why should I care? FREE SPEECH, a joke’s a joke,  etc etc right? Wrong. I love comedy because you can make someone laugh and think simultaneously,  and we are more likely to listen to a message that’s wrapped in humor. I DIDN’T get into this to validate date-rapists, nor to be quoted by thugs dropping Rohypnol into a 17 year old’s drink. I want no part of that.

That’s not to say you shouldn’t. Make all the jokes you want about whatever you want. It IS a comedy club, and some people ARE too sensitive, and yes I WILL laugh at your racist rape joke (if it’s good). Maybe eventually I’ll figure out a way to rewrite this thing so my conscience stays clean. But if I can’t be part of the solution, I sure as shit don’t want to be part of the problem.