Getting laid is a team sport, and I’d like to thank everyone involved in keeping my sex life active & fulfilling. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t get a third of the punani I do.
Dear Creepy/Boring Date Guy(s),
Thanks for getting me laid. You really did me a solid by lowering her expectations to sub-zero levels. Thanks for taking her to Quiznos, splitting the tab and not brushing your teeth. Thanks for canceling at the last minute (again). Who reads books anyway. Ambition, Drive & Passion? I’ll take “3 Things I Don’t Have or Cannot Spell” for $500, Alex.
Truly, words cannot express how much I owe you. You’ve made it so easy to impress women that it’s downright unfair. Gone are the days she expected romance & chivalry. As long as I shower, show up, and don’t whip it out till the appropriate time, I’m practically James Bond. Also, thanks for not knowing what the “appropriate time” is. Not even close.
Dear Insecure Ex-Boyfriend(s),
Thanks for getting me laid. Thanks for the crippling lack of self-worth you’ve induced into a plethora of incredibly talented women. It’s far easier to approach them when their debilitating insecurities distract them from the house they bought by running their own business.
Thank you for telling her she smells (even if it was just once), for comparing her to your whore of an ex (thanks for her too!) and generally making condescending remarks about her dreams. She’s so afraid she’s not good enough that the tiniest compliment sends her into fits of uncontrollable desire. If it wasn’t for you, the rest of us could never get with beautiful, financially-independent women without actually achieving something ourselves.
Dear Patriarchal Media,
You guys are the best. Seriously.